Finding God in the Valleys

Someone once told me that I was”too happy all the time.”

I honestly never seen myself this way before so it sort of stuck with me.

You see to me inside my anxiety ridden mess of a brain, I had always been a negative Nancy. I typically would question God and wonder what bad thing was going to come next: as if my whole life had been bad…untrue! I just couldn’t see the bright side to anything…ever…

Almost a decade later I was diagnosed with clinical major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I would say that was the biggest shock to me- like a

Punch in the gut, took me down to my knees (literally), and made me realize how I had been living for the past 29 years of my existence! It was almost as if God allowed me to fall into the pits of the valley so I could truly see what an amazing life I led! It was at this moment I realized I had always questioned God saying, “I don’t deserve this life, no one should be stuck with me including myself- or- this life was meant for someone else not me.” It’s almost as if I wouldn’t allow myself to be happy inside, deep down, because I was afraid of how that might make OTHER people feel! That leads me to my biggest weakness- people

pleasing……

You see I understand the life and tragedy of Robin Williams. I understand how making people laugh is the best medicine. How to put on a smile and just go on about your day as if the world you live in is beautiful, when really it feels like it’s black and white. No color.

That is what depression feels like.

When I was diagnosed I think I was stunned to my core. Like who is this guy whose never met me a day in his life sitting here telling me that I need counseling and medicine to climb out of this pit I’m in? I felt at a major crossroads to be honest….

God had always always always been with me I mean from when I was a young child I could feel the Holy Spirit and I knew there was sooo much more to this life. So I was just supposed to trust this doctor and take this medicine and I would be healed?

Nope. I went home filled the prescription took one decided I couldn’t do it because it was the cheap easy way out.

Addiction runs deep in my family- I think I was afraid that I would get addicted to it, although I know that’s not how this medicine works, my brain couldn’t talk my heart into it yet.

The depression/devil had a choke hold on me to say the least. I was chained down in the pits of what seemed like hell for months. My face, hands, and body felt like they were on fire. My heart would pound for no reason and my head would feel so dizzy I couldn’t stand up some days.

I’d say my anxiety ridden brain had taken me down a mountain side rolling so fast and wide that I didn’t really have time to realize what was happening until I hit rock bottom and felt like I was nowhere to be found. Let me say it was soo soo dark down in this valley. It was like someone had thrown me into a 20 foot deep tunnel with no lights and told me to climb out without any help— or that’s how it felt early on, then it got worse. I tried 6 different medicines and some

Made my depression worse, I came to a point where I couldn’t feel anything- not even Gods presence. I just wanted it to be gone and I figured everyone else would be better off without me. Let me say that is a LIE and thank God I realized there were people, medicines, and Jesus!!! 👏🏼

Oh sweet sweet Jesus! He was there in that VALLEY! He saw me fall to the depths of darkness I never knew I could. You see that choke hold of anxiety/depression was on me my whole life—- just barely there enough to ruin my day or make me question God. It was always there to make me doubt him in moments when He was bigger than my problems always!

Someone told me along the way,”Britny you know it’s okay to not be okay right?” I had ALWAYS put others ahead of myself, including my mental health as well. I wanted everyone else to be happy, healthy, smiling, and content because that is so badly what I longed for in this life.

Those words were so true- it’s okay to NOT BE OKAY sometimes! WE ARE HUMAN!

SO.. I decided to take it to the ONE who could change my life completely-my Heavenly Father! ❤️

There were days I would lay in the floor at the foot of my bed and pray so hard I had no words left in me. “Lord, take this dizziness away!” “Take these thoughts away,” or “please help me understand what this is all for!!!” I CRIED OUT FOR JESUS MERCY ON ME! I put on the full and I mean FULL armor of GOD and I went out to fight the hardest most tiring battle of my life- all in my mind! I climbed a little piece of those mountains daily with God always by my side! I slept with my Bible on my chest because I knew that He would keep me safe from the devils schemes!! I tore down all those walls my brain had built over the last 29 years that I thought were protecting me; when really they had been piling so high it was so heavy and I literally came tumbling down with them.

My brain was so tired.. tired of making up ideas in my head of what my life should be verses what it truly was. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SO BLESSED AND FINALLY I COULD SEE THOSE BLESSINGS

The reason I share this all is to say that GOD IS IN THOSE VALLEYS! Even the not so deep ones too. He’s there in the big moments all the way down to tying your shoes every day!

So I guess I will take those words ,”you’re too happy/positive,” and keep on spreading some light to others because it no longer is a negative thing to me. It no longer has to feel heavy and I no longer feel the need to explain myself or WHO I AM to everyone I meet.. ☺️ because I am who GOD MADE TO BE- perfect in his image (with some minor quirks) 🤷‍♀️

It has taken me 31 years and a whole lot of praying to learn to love myself in all the ways. But I am here to tell you and thank those who didn’t give up on me that IT IS NOT EASY TO FIGHT THE BATTLES alone! You don’t have to pick up yesterday’s sorrows- or last years or even last decades! Those battles belong to God! Please know that God led me to the best counselors, doctors, friends, husband, and medicine there is so that I could finally be at peace inside my brain.

You are NOT ALONE in those valleys my friend- God is WITHIN you; he will not fail you! ❤️

With all the ✌🏼 & 💗,

Brit 🥰